She heard him whisper gently “I love you” when he thought she was asleep

Slow whispers turned into gentle forehead kisses that warmed her once cold heart

She awoke with a grumble, pretending she was asleep as to not frighten him

Smiles shared between two lovers, both afraid to say those three words to each other

Not yet, they both whispered under their breaths

Slow mornings turning into slow afternoons guiding into a slow evening of pure unadulterated bliss as they both stare into each other’s eyes

No words were shared just pure emotions intertwined like tangled Christmas lights on the first day of winter

She wondered if this was what heaven would feel like

Happiness served on a silver plater every day surround by someone who loved her for her

Her past not looming over her like a dark cloud in the middle of thunderstorm

She wondered if life could truly be this blissful as she lay awake next to her lover staring into his eyes

Tears start to fall like rain down her cheeks as she cried out pure joy remembering those lonely nights alone awake staring at the ceiling dreaming of the moment she was currently in

It all felt like a dream she did not want to awaken from

Soon the outside world would creep into the realms of what is known as her dream reality

She’ll hold tight to these moments, truly know what true joy feels like, finally

Disclaimer: these poems are purely my own feelings and emotions and do not reflect the opinions or viewpoints of others

*Disclaimer: the thoughts and emotions in this poem are purely my own and do not reflect the viewpoints of others.*

But who took care of you?

No one

No one was there when the tears from from face to catch them and tell me everything will be okay

No one was there for me when my dad died and I laid my last living parent to rest

No one was there for my first heart break 

No one was there for me when my husband looked at me and told me he wanted a divorce or in his words “maybe we should see other people”

No one was there for me when my depression hit and all time high and tried to end me

No one was there for me before I met her and her wife…..

Then no one became they…

They were there with open arms when he kicked me out of our home we bought together

They were there as I navigated life after my divorce 

They were there to help me pick up the pieces after my post divorce long term relationship ended

She was there when I cried all those nights 

She was there to tell me everything was okay

They invited me into their families for Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter

They were there to show me what family actually means 

They were there to show me what love means and what it means to show up for people

They gave me sibling rivalry, parental love, aunt duties, family gatherings with bickering, and true unconditional love 

In the end when no one was there, they were there in my corner every step of the way cheering me on and for that I owe them my life.

Disclaimer: This poem is my opinions and emotions and do not reflect the opinions of others.

You gave your heart to them on an platter 

You hoped they would treat it like a delicate desert but instead they treated it like a fast food meal

Quick to devour and cheaply made

They tore into like a starving animal

Not appreciating your hidden delicacies 

Seeing only you as temporary nourishment and not a long term item to savor

You thought this time would be different

They’ll definitely appreciate your kindness and love

They did not appreciate it but they did take it for granted

They took all that you would give and left when you had nothing left

You thought, wrong guy wrong time, I’ll try again 

And again

And again

Then the final one, that last one was sure to be different

They weren’t

You became complacent and gave out of compliance and not desire

You let them use you and then you were left with nothing 

Now, here you are days later, months later, moments later 

Sitting in an empty room alone feeling used and empty

Realizing that the this was the end of your romantic relationships and beginning of your finally pursuing you.

You promise to give you the world you always deserved.

*Disclaimer the thoughts and emotions in this poem are my own. Remember if you are struggling with suicidal thoughts contact a psychiatrist or the suicide hotline 988. Note I see a therapist and psychiatrist regularly.*

The meds I take daily alter my brain chemistry and give me emotions that feel like my own

The lexapro and vraylar that I take daily keep me alive

Both chemically changing my thoughts to more acceptable ones while giving me a false sense of reality

The meds give me a temporary escape from the reality that is my life 

On the days I take my meds my depression takes a seat in the back of the car, sitting on it’s hands waiting to step in 

Some days my depression is stronger than the meds 

The meds are only 99% effective 

My depression waits for the 1% failure to remind me of the series of unfortunate events that is my life

The meds make me feel prescribed joy giving me moments to remember the good moments 

Moments of fake positivity 

It gives me the chance to fit in

The trazadone though, that helps me sleep so my depression doesn’t haunt my dreams 

I didn’t sleep for years until I took it

My depression haunted my dreams causing sleepless nights filled with tear induced nightmares 

Filled with my mind playing out worse case scenarios and reminders of rejection

One day I won’t need the prescription emotions to give me a sense of fake happiness and content

One day I’ll self soothe and reunite with my joy. 

One day I won’t need the medication but for now 

I welcome to prescribed emotions 

I welcome the fake reality until the real one exists

*Disclaimer: The thoughts in this poem are purely my own thoughts and opinions and do not reflect the view of others.*

In my marriage, I wasn’t enough for my partner to not ask for a divorce

At home, I wasn’t enough to keep my family together 

Or to keep my sister from leaving

Or to keep my father from choosing drugs over his family 

At work, I didn’t do enough to keep the kids quiet,

To make enough programs

To classroom manage

To not get made fun of 

In the mirror, I wasn’t enough to stop the skin picking

Or the body dysmorphia

At the dinner table, I never ate enough 

In everyday life, I wasn’t thick enough

Or Black enough

Or White enough

Then when I wasn’t enough I became too much

Too much bones

Too Skinny

Too many health problems

Too much stomach fat

Too much trauma for me for others to handle

Too much baggage for others to face

Too many dead people in your life

Too depressed to be around at gatherings

Too anxious to comfort

Too loud to keep a secret 

Too nosy to stay quiet

Too much of a burden

All my life, I’ve either been too much or not enough

Even Goldilocks found something in the bear’s home that was just right

Will I ever be just enough?

*Disclaimer: the words in this poem are my opinions and feelings and do not reflect the views of others.”

I found my joy tucked away in the back of the closet in a ball with her head in between her legs 

I went over to touch her shoulder and she flinched, looked up at me with red eyes and a tear stained shirt 

She said “I tried to keep the joy”

And I said “I know”

You see, my joy wasn’t always in hiding

She was vibrant, hopeful, smiling from ear to ear 

Her laugh sounded light music in a crowded room

She was fun carefree and filled with so much love for others 

She saw the best in everyone, trusted all, and was there for everyone no questions asked 

But my joy was naive and soon she realized that people weren’t as they seemed

My joy met my sadness and they became acquaintances 

My sadness told my joy how people werent her friends and how they were using her

My sadness told my joy what others thought of her and how much she gave and they didn’t give back 

Then my joy slowly turned into sadness after seeing my sadness perspective

My joy slowly no longer existed, consumed by the trauma and reality of the life that surrounded her

I no longer had joy but double the sadness

I fought for years to get my joy back, a long journey it became and a long awaited reunion that is still in the works

I lost my joy to sadness years ago and now we are planning our reunion and a fair well to my second sadness

*Disclaimer: these poems contain solely my thoughts and opinions.”

I’m all touched out 

Unwanted hands touch my body searching for comfort 

Attempting to grab my clothing as I try to escape their grasp

Tears swell in my eyes because I can’t handle being touched so much

Unwanted hands reach out to grab onto me 

Touching me to see if I am real or a figment of their imagination

I scream “stop touching me” but it falls on deaf ears

People everywhere reaching out to touch me, use me, pull from my energy source

Their touches unwanted

There is nowhere for me to escape 

Even at home instead of hands it’s paws

Paws graze my skin leaving marks, searching for comfort and love

They drain me without replenishment

Needing me and wanting all that I have

Everywhere I go someone needs or wants something from me

Feeling like hundreds of hands coming from everywhere trying to grab onto me for dear life 

I am all touched out………………….and the saddest part is there is no where to escape the touches.

*Disclaimer: the words in these poems are my own thoughts and feelings.*

You lost someone you knew

I loss someone I wish I knew

We are not the same 

You looked out into the crowd and missed someone who could be there

I looked out into the crowd and missed someone who would never be there

We are not the same

You cried when they didn’t pick up when you needed them

I cried because I knew I’d never be able to call them

We are not the same

You screamed “I hate you mom”

I screamed “ I wish you were here mom”

We are not the same

You fought with them over boyfriends, girlfriends, curfews, clothing, and so much more

I fought with no one because no one was there

We are not same

You expected them to be there

I expected no one to show up 

We are not the same and won’t be the same

Our struggles different 

Our loses different

Our lives different

The pain unites us but the grief separate us

We are not the same and that’s okay

TW: Suicide “Please note this isn’t a cry for help but purely expressions of feelings. I am currently on a regiment of medication that helps and I see a therapist once a week. If you or a loved one are in need of help dial 988 for help.

I wrote a final note to say good bye…………but I never sent it

It was a long day that day, filled with anguish and despair

That day in particular I could not fight the overwhelmingness of the darkness so I welcomed it like a blanket

That day was like no other day, it was different

The air felt heavier, the cars louder, the birds wings created too much wind, and the tears of yesterday stain my cheeks.

Why was that day different? No one knows.

But that day was the day I wrote the letter I did not send.

I sat in my bed alone in the darkness, shaking with fear, tears causing convulsions, and the heaviness of dread

And I wrote. I said I was sorry, most of all, that you couldn’t save me and that I couldn’t save me

I wished you well in that note and I hope you would buy a new car with the life insurance policy and spread my ashes in the woods.

I wrote the letter, I didn’t send it, and some days I wish I would have sent it and other days I am glad I didn’t

I hope I don’t have more days like those days but if I do, I’ll wrestle with that letter every day

I am more afraid of winning than losing, living than dying, crying than smiling, that’s why I wrote the letter I won’t send.

*Thank you for reading my thoughts* *Disclaimer: this work is my own thoughts, opinions, and feelings.*

I wish……

That my mom didn’t die a painful death

That my mom lived to see her 28^th Birthday and mine

That my mom was a better mother

That my dad didn’t die before I could celebrate his 60^th

That my dad was a better dad

That rainy days didn’t make me cry because they used to bring me joy

I could still stand in the rain and laugh and play like before

I didn’t cry on happy moments because I notice who is not there

I was more carefree

That I didn’t have trauma

That no one ever called me strong again

That I could truly be myself without getting arrested or put in a mental facility

That I could get paid to try out different hobbies

That peace and pain weren’t ever used in the same sentence again

I wish I wish upon a star that all my trauma died in a car accident with the bits of me that were dark but instead I am left with all the dark fighting to steal my last bit of light

I’ll keep wishing though…..

*Thank you for reading my thoughts* *Disclaimer: this work is my own thoughts, opinions, and feelings.*