TW: Suicide “Please note this isn’t a cry for help but purely expressions of feelings. I am currently on a regiment of medication that helps and I see a therapist once a week. If you or a loved one are in need of help dial 988 for help.

I wrote a final note to say good bye…………but I never sent it

It was a long day that day, filled with anguish and despair

That day in particular I could not fight the overwhelmingness of the darkness so I welcomed it like a blanket

That day was like no other day, it was different

The air felt heavier, the cars louder, the birds wings created too much wind, and the tears of yesterday stain my cheeks.

Why was that day different? No one knows.

But that day was the day I wrote the letter I did not send.

I sat in my bed alone in the darkness, shaking with fear, tears causing convulsions, and the heaviness of dread

And I wrote. I said I was sorry, most of all, that you couldn’t save me and that I couldn’t save me

I wished you well in that note and I hope you would buy a new car with the life insurance policy and spread my ashes in the woods.

I wrote the letter, I didn’t send it, and some days I wish I would have sent it and other days I am glad I didn’t

I hope I don’t have more days like those days but if I do, I’ll wrestle with that letter every day

I am more afraid of winning than losing, living than dying, crying than smiling, that’s why I wrote the letter I won’t send.

*Thank you for reading my thoughts* *Disclaimer: this work is my own thoughts, opinions, and feelings.*