*Disclaimer: the words in this poem are my opinions and feelings and do not reflect the views of others.”

I found my joy tucked away in the back of the closet in a ball with her head in between her legs 

I went over to touch her shoulder and she flinched, looked up at me with red eyes and a tear stained shirt 

She said “I tried to keep the joy”

And I said “I know”

You see, my joy wasn’t always in hiding

She was vibrant, hopeful, smiling from ear to ear 

Her laugh sounded light music in a crowded room

She was fun carefree and filled with so much love for others 

She saw the best in everyone, trusted all, and was there for everyone no questions asked 

But my joy was naive and soon she realized that people weren’t as they seemed

My joy met my sadness and they became acquaintances 

My sadness told my joy how people werent her friends and how they were using her

My sadness told my joy what others thought of her and how much she gave and they didn’t give back 

Then my joy slowly turned into sadness after seeing my sadness perspective

My joy slowly no longer existed, consumed by the trauma and reality of the life that surrounded her

I no longer had joy but double the sadness

I fought for years to get my joy back, a long journey it became and a long awaited reunion that is still in the works

I lost my joy to sadness years ago and now we are planning our reunion and a fair well to my second sadness

*Disclaimer: these poems contain solely my thoughts and opinions.”

I’m all touched out 

Unwanted hands touch my body searching for comfort 

Attempting to grab my clothing as I try to escape their grasp

Tears swell in my eyes because I can’t handle being touched so much

Unwanted hands reach out to grab onto me 

Touching me to see if I am real or a figment of their imagination

I scream “stop touching me” but it falls on deaf ears

People everywhere reaching out to touch me, use me, pull from my energy source

Their touches unwanted

There is nowhere for me to escape 

Even at home instead of hands it’s paws

Paws graze my skin leaving marks, searching for comfort and love

They drain me without replenishment

Needing me and wanting all that I have

Everywhere I go someone needs or wants something from me

Feeling like hundreds of hands coming from everywhere trying to grab onto me for dear life 

I am all touched out………………….and the saddest part is there is no where to escape the touches.

*Disclaimer: the words in these poems are my own thoughts and feelings.*

You lost someone you knew

I loss someone I wish I knew

We are not the same 

You looked out into the crowd and missed someone who could be there

I looked out into the crowd and missed someone who would never be there

We are not the same

You cried when they didn’t pick up when you needed them

I cried because I knew I’d never be able to call them

We are not the same

You screamed “I hate you mom”

I screamed “ I wish you were here mom”

We are not the same

You fought with them over boyfriends, girlfriends, curfews, clothing, and so much more

I fought with no one because no one was there

We are not same

You expected them to be there

I expected no one to show up 

We are not the same and won’t be the same

Our struggles different 

Our loses different

Our lives different

The pain unites us but the grief separate us

We are not the same and that’s okay

TW: Suicide “Please note this isn’t a cry for help but purely expressions of feelings. I am currently on a regiment of medication that helps and I see a therapist once a week. If you or a loved one are in need of help dial 988 for help.

I wrote a final note to say good bye…………but I never sent it

It was a long day that day, filled with anguish and despair

That day in particular I could not fight the overwhelmingness of the darkness so I welcomed it like a blanket

That day was like no other day, it was different

The air felt heavier, the cars louder, the birds wings created too much wind, and the tears of yesterday stain my cheeks.

Why was that day different? No one knows.

But that day was the day I wrote the letter I did not send.

I sat in my bed alone in the darkness, shaking with fear, tears causing convulsions, and the heaviness of dread

And I wrote. I said I was sorry, most of all, that you couldn’t save me and that I couldn’t save me

I wished you well in that note and I hope you would buy a new car with the life insurance policy and spread my ashes in the woods.

I wrote the letter, I didn’t send it, and some days I wish I would have sent it and other days I am glad I didn’t

I hope I don’t have more days like those days but if I do, I’ll wrestle with that letter every day

I am more afraid of winning than losing, living than dying, crying than smiling, that’s why I wrote the letter I won’t send.

*Thank you for reading my thoughts* *Disclaimer: this work is my own thoughts, opinions, and feelings.*

I wish……

That my mom didn’t die a painful death

That my mom lived to see her 28^th Birthday and mine

That my mom was a better mother

That my dad didn’t die before I could celebrate his 60^th

That my dad was a better dad

That rainy days didn’t make me cry because they used to bring me joy

I could still stand in the rain and laugh and play like before

I didn’t cry on happy moments because I notice who is not there

I was more carefree

That I didn’t have trauma

That no one ever called me strong again

That I could truly be myself without getting arrested or put in a mental facility

That I could get paid to try out different hobbies

That peace and pain weren’t ever used in the same sentence again

I wish I wish upon a star that all my trauma died in a car accident with the bits of me that were dark but instead I am left with all the dark fighting to steal my last bit of light

I’ll keep wishing though…..

*Thank you for reading my thoughts* *Disclaimer: this work is my own thoughts, opinions, and feelings.*

originally written February 14, 2025

I met my younger self for coffee……

She arrived early and I arrived on time

We both texted each other to make sure we were there and met each other outside before we went inside together

She went in for a handshake and I went in for a hug

We found a seat in the corner because we both like sitting in the corner

We talked about the past

We talked about our feelings

She looked down and didn’t make eye contact and I looked forward and made eye contact periodically

She asked if things got better and I said no, things got more manageable

She asked if we found a good therapist and I said yes but after many trials and errors

She asked if we were close to our family, and I said no.

I told her that we no longer let them walk all over us, we no longer act as a doormat

She asked if we ever found our voice and I said yes

I told her that we speak up for ourselves now, we don’t tolerate nonsense, and we decided to do what we love

She asked if we ever found love, and I said no, not in a relationship kind of love but in a platonic love in friendships and new partnerships that we built

And we found love in ourselves

She asked again if it ever got easier and I told her no, it got more manageable

I apologized to her for all the effort we put in as a child and for all that we gave and never got back

She asked if we continue to do those things as an adult, and I said yes but with boundaries

She asked if we traveled out to state, and I said, yes, we’ve gone to travel by
plane, we’ve gone on a road trip, we’ve done the things that we enjoy, and we do
those things a lot. We enjoy spending time with ourselves.

She asked if forgiveness became easier, and I told her no. I told her that we learned to
look past the challenges that we faced as a child, and I told her that we still
struggle every day.

She asked if we found joy in happiness, and I said not yet, but we’re still looking for it. We’re still fighting every day to survive, we’re still fighting every day to find peace and joy every moment.

We both stared at each other, her finally looking up and staring me in the eye for the longest
minute of our lives, and tears shed from both of our eyes.

And at the same time, we looked at each other and we said we deserved better.

We hugged each other and we said, see you later, because we’ll run into each other again.

But I met my younger self for coffee, and we realized that it didn’t get easier.

We realized that people telling us that everything happens for a reason, and our
challenges made us stronger, didn’t help us at all. It just made us a little bit
more resentful.

I told her that we will continue to take up space, and we’ll continue to stand up for ourselves, and she smiled, and she was appreciative of it.

And as I left and we both went our separate ways, I looked back and I missed
the joy and the naivety that she had, and the hope that she had.

She walked away and she was grateful for the fact that we stood up for ourselves.

I left missing the person I was before life got harder, and she left being grateful.

But collectively, we knew that we were both going to continue to try.

I met my younger self for coffee, and it was the best thing that I ever did………..

*Thank you for reading my thoughts* *Disclaimer: this work is my own thoughts, opinions, and feelings.*